Baby SPA!

My relationship with John's parents started out really well. At one point, I even stayed with them for a few weeks. I'd just given up my apartment in NYC in order to pursue their son to Singapore in (one of) my grandest acts of desperation. At the time, being close to them was the closest I could be to him. This was before my mind became too cluttered to misthink so profoundly. They treated me like a daughter and I soaked up the attention like Citta getting a back scratch.

After I moved away, I continued to talk to them by phone from Singapore, pleased to have such utterly wonderful future inlaws. John and I got married and John's mom cried (at the time, I assumed it was from joy ...). It was just a very positive start all around. And then Claire was born.

I hadn't anticipated the sheer coddling capability of those two. They coveted Claire, wisking her out of my arms and off to far reaches of my house. I'd go searching all over to find the three of them huddled in the corner of an upstairs bedroom. I felt like an intruder. "Ah hem" I'd say "do you mind if I take Claire downstairs to feed her? They'd carry her downstairs for me and reluctantly turn her over, hovering, pouncing to get her back at the first opportunity. Literally, if I turned my back or went off to refill a bottle, she was gone. Poof! The disappearing baby. If you know how immature I can be now, you can correctly imagine how immature I was as a new mother, trying to find my footing. It began to be an incredible sore spot for me. There was one, especially memorable time in a restaurant when my MIL (Mother in law) was holding Claire ... I gestured that I wanted to hold her and was refused. I reached out to TAKE HER and was resisted. It was awkward, tousling like that over a baby with an elderly woman in the middle of a busy restaurant and I quickly gave up and went back to my meal. Fuming. John later, and very diplomatically, spoke to his parents to say I was struggling with my new role and needed help but also some space. They are well meaning people and backed off as much as they were able.

Ava quickly followed Claire and I had an inquisitive, active toddler and a newborn. Claire is one of the most capable people I know and I encouraged her to do what she could for herself ... feeding herself, walking, exploring her surroundings ... But John's parents could not let the process of growing independence proceed. Deeply engrained in them was a belief that Claire, their precious first grandchild, could not and SHOULD not be allowed to do anything on her own. That, if she were allowed to walk, she'd fall and hurt herself, that if she weilded her own spoon, she'd spoon her big brown baby eyes out. It became an ongoing struggle during their visits while I tried to allow Claire to test her spoon skills (yes, it was messy but now she feeds herself brilliantly without ever needing a bib). Because Ava had to be carried everywhere, being a newborn and all, I really, truly NEEDED Claire to be able to manuever herself as much as possible. My insistence in the area of my childrens' independence caused a lot of friction between my in laws and I who couldn't understand my perspective. If they happened to be at the house on a day John was working, the tension was much much worse and his dad began to yell at me to vent his anger. I told John that they were welcome to visit us, but only when John was home. That improved things somewhat. But I brissled as they toted my blossoming Claire around like an infant. During their visits, I began to retreat to my bedroom to avoid getting upset. I'd stay there for most of a day, sneaking around the house for snacks hoping to not be detected. It was awful.

In the end, we came up with the happy happy solution of moving Baby Spa (a perfect place where no one is allowed to feed oneself, move around on one's own or cry) to John's parents' house. I found that, given a day off to do nothing child related, I really truly didn't CARE what went on there. As long as they were well cared for and brought home at night, I was fine with Claire being carried and spoon fed candy all day long. And that is the story of baby spa.

My relationship with my in laws is still damaged from those early days. I take responsibility for being so short tempered with two really very nice older people who only want the best for me and my family. John takes the girls there once a week or so and I can't say how much I need those days of freedom, how they give me the only true rest I get.

Things will change when LW is born. My in laws are more motivated to spend time with their grandchildren than anyone else I know, including their grandchildrens' parents. However, it will not be physically possible for them to take on all three at once. My intent is to send two, pick any two! to Baby Spa to give me quality one on one time with whoever is leftover. In the beginning, I'll probably keep LF at home for bonding purposes but then might switch occasionally to my neglected middle child, Ava. It will be fun to see how things work out!