Up then down then UP then DOWN

I am emotionally exhausted. I have been doped up on a dangerous cocktail of hormones for months and need a few minutes free of anything intense. But instead, I sought out videos of ... of ALL THINGS, LISA!!!!! ... Vietnam orphanages on Youtube. I know ... so incredibly stupid. When Pink lyrics (it breaks my heart what that motorcross dude did to her and isn't it great in a sad way that she's ready to get sober?) and AT&T commercials (it is really sad that the business man is so far away from his little daughter) can bring on tears, the safest thing to do is curl up in a ball and not move very much. And not go poking around youtube for super sad things to watch.

I could also use a muzzle ... I have never felt so mean and nasty! I want the people in my life, who insist on underachieving my goals for them, to suffer. Some kind of mute button, or even just a pause button, would be nice. Or what if I was kept on a conveyor belt that would wisk me away from annoyances? Or two big guys to say "okay, honey, time to move on, let's go" and shepherd me away? Of course, the real answer is heavy medication.

But every down comes with a nauseatingly high up. When I think about little whoever, I cry, when I think about Claire and Ava and they aren't right in front of me driving me crazy, I cry. I cry when I bite into a really good piece of toast with butter and jam, when I sing hymns at church. I am beginning to think it is all less about the moment and more about crying.

After three insanely emotional pregnancies, John is finally, the big ape, starting to say things like "calm down ... it's just your hormones". Which is a dangerous thing to say at any point in the reproductive cycle. Maybe by the fourth pregnancy he will improve to "come here and let me hug you, there there" which is maybe not much safer since it requires me to be so close.

In case you are having an overly joyous day and feel you need a little grounding, a down to balance your up, go to Youtube and search for "Vietnam Orphanage".